I’ve written this post, off and on, and left it in drafts so many times, for nearly 3 weeks now, debating whether to share this personal info here or not, and I’ve shared bits and pieces on Instagram, but wanted to have a place to write down everything that happened, mainly for myself, so if you come across this and want more details…they’ll be here. And if you don’t; skip right over this post.
If you’re here and looking for a Nashville newborn photographer or a family or maternity session – we’ve got this! I have an associate photographer on staff and will be back to photographing myself, super soon, so I’d love to chat more and begin planning your maternity, newborn or family session.
Portraits above taken by our associate photographer, Maria
The thing is, I have so many complicated and different thoughts and feelings right now which I didn’t even consider at first and I know no one else has either.
For the past entire year I’ve been spending my time only at home or the studio, and sometimes the barn. When the pandemic first happened I was careful to not even be on the road, for fear of bogging down the medical system with an avoidable accident. This left me at home for the most part and going to work because it was a necessary drive in the car to keep my business going and pay the bills. Even though I had no close contact with anyone at the barn where I board my horse, I was still nervous, and felt guilty driving there.
In September my horse was injured in some mysterious way and she went through a bunch of vet checks, was taken to our equine hospital for an MRI, etc. She was prescribed stem cell treatment and 6 months of rest. (Side note: yay for equine insurance!)
We got the go ahead to saddle up and walk around the arena for 5-10 minutes beginning March 1st, 3 times per week. I was actually super nervous. Most sport horses cannot just be not ridden for months and then hopped on, so I prepared myself for some serious silliness on her part, but tried to be brave and confident. (Not generally my forte).
She was super calm and great.
Three days later I went to the studio in the morning and photographed a session and then normally would have gone right home, but wanted to get my 2nd ride in for the week, so I went straight to the barn.
I got on and the first 3 minutes or so were just like the first day. I was still slightly nervous, but had the confidence from our first ride under my belt.
And then I was thrown. Hard.
She started to spook at something she saw (I don’t even know what… seriously like a piece of dust could have done it….) which means basically stepping sideways and away from “it”. She hasn’t done that in a couple years, but it’s really not a huge deal to get under control and I’ve ridden through that with no issue before.
And the she began bucking. I remember staying on for awhile until finally there was no way to stay on and I was thrown off.
I landed on my right side; I couldn’t move my leg at all. At first I was sure it was just the initial impact and shock and I would be stumbling home, feeling dumb, and icing my leg and back for a few days. No big deal. I’ve taken a few falls in my 25 years of riding. I kept telling everyone there who came to help me that surely it was going to be fine. Did I want them to call 911? Of course not. The last thing I wanted to do was take an ambulance ride to an ER.
After maybe 20 minutes I conceded to the fact that I literally could not move my, completely bent funny, leg and could they get my phone to call my husband who could help pick me up.
I think he drove the 8 minute drive in 5 minutes.
When he got there and tried to get me up and realized that I had 0 ability to move and the pain was insane (I’ve had two difficult births without any pain meds. I’m a total wimp when it comes to doctors, blood, etc. but I can handle some pain) he called 911, who arrived with multiple paramedics.
The main paramedic took one look at me and ‘diagnosed’ me with a broken femur then and there. The team that came works directly out of Williamson Co. hospital, but after being there a minute he said my ambulance was going right to Vanderbilt because he knew I needed a trauma center and trauma surgery. When he said that I knew it was serious and lost it. I didn’t even have an IV placed with one of my births. I’d never been under anesthesia and was terrified.
They had to give me pain meds through my nose (they couldn’t find a vein fast enough for the IV) and straighten out my leg to help with some of the muscle pain and stop any internal bleeding.
They cut off my pants, and then my tall, black Dressage boot. I cried from the pain and from the loss of my boot. And then he straightened my leg out which was pain I can’t even begin to describe or relive. I guess they do this in order to put somewhat of a splint down the entire leg since the bone is no longer holding your muscles in place and that’s much of the pain; your muscles spasming everywhere and not being held where they should.
The main guy riding with me was trying to keep me so calm (I’m sure the drugs he was pumping into my, now placed, IV were trying to help, too) and explain everything to me, while I’m sure my swollen and red eyes just showed sheer panic.
I do remember 1. begging with him to not make me have surgery and 2. talking to him about he and his wife’s new photography business. How ironic that he’d have to come, literally, scrape some photographer off the ground on his shift that day.
As we got closer to Vanderbilt I heard them “calling it in” and I remember thinking, ‘how is this happening to me? I’m so careful. I’ve played it so safe for a year. Really, I’ve played it so safe for 37 years. 5 years ago I lost my dad to a car accident – I wasn’t planning to take many risks in life. I was walking on my horse. WALKING. No jumping a huge jump (no thanks, too risky for this girl), not even trotting or cantering.’
After he hung up, he explained that it was likely going to feel and look like Grey’s Anatomy when we got there.
He wasn’t wrong. It was literally like out of a movie or TV show and I was so thankful he prepared me for that or I would have been even more scared. I think he and his partner came in with me to get me settled and transfer care and information and I absolutely begged him to stay with me. I didn’t know any of these ‘new people’. They didn’t see what happened to me and I just didn’t trust them yet and wanted this guy to stay. My husband rode behind us, but they didn’t allow him back with me for hours. Sadly, that’s not how it works and I was left alone with some amazing ER nurses who kept me drugged up (which basically took the tip of the iceberg of pain away) with various things while they monitored my low blood pressure and did tons of X-rays and CT scans of my entire body before they would take my neck brace off.
I was there for hours with them doing all sorts of things and when the nurses all saw the X-ray of my leg their reaction was immediate – ‘that’s a very snapped in half femur’.
My husband got to join me soon after all of this. And then a trauma orthopedic surgeon who explained to me that, yes, I would need surgery, and a rod and pins put in my leg. Scheduled for the next morning.
He put my leg in traction which is basically just a more sturdy form of the brace the paramedics used to keep my leg muscles straight until they did surgery. The next morning they did another CT scan on my leg to be extra sure of everything and saw that I had fractures of not only snapping the bone in half, but little cracks going all the way down to the top of my knee…which meant a much longer recovery.
Tomorrow will be 3 weeks out from my fall and Thursday 3 weeks out from my surgery. Today I got my 40+ staples out and it was honestly pretty brutal, but I’m so hopeful that the worst, at least from that perspective, is over.
I have so many emotions and feelings ping ponging all around while I’m stuck in bed right now.
Will I ride again? I know for sure that I can’t for at least 6 months. But in all honesty, my non risk taker self is probably done. Which is really hard and traumatic in and of itself to say. I’ve ridden since I was 12 years old. In that time I’ve only not owned a horse for a couple years. But if something like this happened simply walking around, I can’t rule out it not easily happening again at any time and between the my photography career, and having two kids who need me, it just seems unwise to take an unnecessary risk.
Will I sell my horse? At this point, my answer is firmly NO. Even after all of this, I love that girl. I know she didn’t hurt me on purpose (if she did, it would be so easy to sell her and buy a horse I could trust this would never happen again with, but with it being a freak accident simply walking around, I know that it could happen on ANY horse). So I don’t really know what will happen from here.
I’m so sad. I’ve been so extra careful for a year. I told my kids don’t get hurt because I don’t want to be in a doctor’s office or hospital. And then this happens. I got my first Covid vaccine 1 week before the fall. I was FINALLY going to be able to go out into the world a little bit, and not be scared to walk around Target or downtown Franklin to the shops I love, etc. But this just delayed that.
I’m also so incredibly lucky.
With the force it takes a healthy (according the hospital anyway), younger person to break the largest bone in your body, I know now that I hit the ground so HARD. Until they asked me or read my chart, every single ER staff asked me about a bad car accident (which was traumatic enough to keep hearing, after losing my dad like that). But I’m lucky because my head was protected by my helmet and unaffected. My neck and spine weren’t even so much as a tiny bit sore (granted, they might have been and I had no idea since was on major pain meds for days and immobile). But with the force of the fall, it could have been a more permanent outcome and that’s so scary and is going to keep me playing it even more safe for probably the rest of my life.
To my clients, family, and friends….
Again, thank you so much to all of my friends, family, and clients who have sent us meals, flowers, cards, and treats. The love you’ve shown my family while I can’t do anything myself is so incredible.
I put some more real time, smaller updates and photos in my IG story highlights, so that is all still there as well.
Jenny Cruger is a Nashville newborn photographer, and specializes in luxury maternity, baby, and family photography in downtown Franklin, TN.
If you love these photos, and you are looking for Nashville newborn photography I would love to begin planning your session. With over 10 years of specializing in my favorite ages of tiny humans, maternity, newborn, and young families and I would love to photograph your family! To see more of my maternity, newborn, and family portfolio please click over here and get in touch if this is something you would love for your family.
If you would like to reserve your 2021 newborn photos, in my downtown Franklin studio, field, or your home, on my calendar I would love for you to contact me here.
